I surrender
by RachelSkarstensboobs
Summary: Soccercop... Beth last thoughts before stepping into the train ..(or not) I might continue this story so maybe even some punkcop rated t for now


I hadnt walked long before the trainstation appeared in front of me.

The amounts of vodka i had consumed this night still burned in my troat. It had actually felt good, a nice side effect to the rest of my numb body. I had taken the rest of the pills that were left in the bottle not to long ago.

This was my way out. I wanted to make it stop. Make my life stop, it was worthless... I was worthless. Paul, the man that i had once loved, had he been lying from the start? Had it all been a set up? Had his name even been Paul? I would never know.

I might have been able to cope with that, but the reason that really finally had pushed me to this point was Alison.

I cared for her! No! Cared, was the wrong word. I guess the right word would be love. I had loved her since i had first laid eyes on her.

I almost smiled at how narcissistic that must sound. Who would have thought i would ever fall for a woman and worse a soccermom. A tear trailed down my face, the thought of Alison made my heart ache.

I swallowed hart. If i hadnt made that stupid move on her, that pushed her so far away from me, i atleast would have been able to have her near. I could remember that night better then any other day. I hadnt been this happy in forever. I had been drunk and was bold enough to kiss her and to my surprise she had kissed me back. And if that hadnt been enough, i had confessed my feelings for her, and Alison was her usual lovely self that had freaked out but also confessed after a moment that she had feelings for me too. Which ended in a heated kiss, It hadnt taken us long to melt into each other. It would have been the perfect night if it hadnt been for Donnie, who almost had walked in on us.

Alison had freaked out and thrown me out of her house. She threw the rest of my cloth after me and told me to leave and that this, she had pointing to me and then to herself, could never ever happen again, she had said more then that, but i couldnt remember.

I had tried to call her days and then even weeks but she never picked up. I had even tried to call Cosima, but she had been to caught up in other things. I wasnt mad at Cosima, I knew she had alot to do. I knew that Cosima had suspected that I had feelings for Alison for a while now, she even had made joked about it.

But now with Alison pushing me away and shutting me out, Paul being a liar, my strenght was gone, my last happy place shattered and i had killed someone. These thoughts haunted me, i had killed Maggie to protect Alison, Cosima and even myself but she still had been a human being. What if she had a family? What if I a had killed someones mother? I knew that if i hadnt killed her, she had killed me.

My phone rang. I looked at the screen, it was Art. i declined his call. I listened to the sound ahead announcing a train arriving in 2 minutes.

I wanted to make a last call, to hear Alisons voice just one more time. Just once before i would leave this life behind. So i pulled out my pink phone that Alison had given to me, looking at it, i put it back into my purse, she wouldnt answer... like always.

I pulled out my other phone, my work phone, dialing her number that i knew by heart now. It rang a couple times before i heared Alisons voice;" This is Alison, please leave a message after the beep." I closed my eyes, of course she wouldnt answer.

I turned my phone off. I couldnt hold back the tears anymore. I could hear the train coming closer. I put the phone back into my purse. Tears steaming down my face, i slowly took off my jacket, folded it and laid it down onto the floor. Slowly taking off my shoes, i neatly placing them next to the jacket together with my bag, just like Alison would have.

I ran my hand one last time thru my hair. I would have given everything for a last look into her face, before i realised it would just be my own. With a heavy breath I stepped away from my things and turned around, walking towards the train before Alison appeared in front of me, was this already death? Had i walked into the train already?

No! This was not Alison, this was a different clone. Damnit! I thought, i was sick to my stomach and i couldnt handle another second of it, so i stepped forward, expecting the impact of the train in any second.

I could feel a thud, it wasnt as hard as i would have expect it and then everything went black.

* * *

Thanks for reading, let me know if I should continue or not ..:)

..Sorry I kinda did not prove read it


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